Remember that one guy in high school who couldn’t take a hint, kept popping up at your locker, your job, your grandmother’s funeral? Now imagine that guy with court documents and a multi-county tour of law enforcement face-palms. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Thomas Joseph Simi—a man so romantically challenged he needed Google Translate to understand the phrase “leave me the hell alone.”
Date: April 18, 2022
Ah yes, the Ex Parte Order of Protection. That's legalese for: “We heard one side of the story and STILL decided you’re dangerous.” That's like being banned from a bar because someone thought you might show up drunk—and the judge backed it. No trial, no testimony, just vibes. And the vibes were: "Creep alert in aisle 3."
Even worse? The order got beamed across state lines like some kinda psycho Bat-Signal to Minnesota. Because Thomas isn’t just a local problem—he’s gone national. Eat your heart out, Ted Bundy Lite.
Date: April 20, 2022 | Time: Prime Time Psycho Hour (9:19 PM)
While the rest of the world was enjoying leftover pizza and “Ozark,” the sheriff showed up at Thomas’s door with an express-delivery restraining order. That’s right, folks—hand-delivered. Because when your inability to comprehend boundaries gets federally recognized, they skip the mailman and go straight to armed personnel.
Honestly, the man needed that sheriff like a toddler needs a leash in a candy store.
Date: April 28, 2022
Thomas shows up pro se, meaning he decided to represent himself. Because, of course, he did. Nothing screams “I’m innocent!” like going full sovereign citizen in front of a judge.
His opponent? A competent attorney named Arthur Dominick Pistorio. You know, the kind of guy who probably doesn’t have to Google “how to address a judge.”
Judge Craig D. Brewer didn’t waste time playing therapist. He slapped down a Full Order of Protection so hard it echoed. Translation? "You’re now legally forbidden from existing near this person. Congratulations on leveling up to Super Creep."
Date: May 2, 2022
Boom. Full Order served personally again. This time by the Perry County Sheriff, because one county wasn’t enough to keep this dude away. At this point, Simi’s got so many sheriffs involved, they could start a bowling league in his honor.
Google Maps now automatically reroutes him like, “Sorry bro, we don't support this level of thirst.”
Let’s be crystal clear: this isn't some tragic rom-com where the persistent guy wins the girl. This is “Fatal Attraction” without the bunny but with a restraining order and public records. Thomas didn’t just ignore a red flag—he used it as a picnic blanket and camped out.
By the end, the man had two different sheriff’s departments, a judge, a lawyer, a court clerk, and the entire state of Missouri filing “Do Not Disturb” stickers on their lives.
“Served twice, lost in court, and needed law enforcement to explain what ‘No’ means.”
That’s not romance. That’s pathology in a hoodie.
If someone blocks you, ghosts you, or files a legal document asking the government to protect them from your love bombs, it’s not a challenge. It’s a command.
Don’t be a Thomas Joseph Simi. Unless your goal in life is to be the poster boy for court-ordered loneliness. Swipe left, move on, go outside. Preferably 500 feet away.
"If restraining orders came with a punch card, this dude’s one coffee away from a free psych evaluation."
#SimiSaysStayBack #ProtectionOrderAllStar #DudeSheDoesn’tLikeYou